


The Diary of Claire

by the_roots_that_clutch



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-19
Updated: 2014-01-19
Packaged: 2018-01-09 08:12:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1143631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_roots_that_clutch/pseuds/the_roots_that_clutch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the meteor shower, Claire starts hearing voices in her head.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Diary of Claire

The Diary of Claire

May 28, 2013

It's after 4 in the morning.  

I probably should go to sleep.  But I don't think I can sleep.  It isn't too big of a deal.  I never sleep well.  Not after what happened with Dad.  I usually can't sleep at all.  When I do I have these weird dreams.  They used to scare me really bad and I would have to go sleep with Mom. 

I can't remember them anymore.  I wake up and they're gone.  But they leave me with a bad feeling.  Dejavu-ish.  

They've been getting worse since that weird meteor shower.  Mom says it's a sign the world is ending.  She thinks everything is a sign the world is ending, since Dad.  Maybe she's right. 

The world is here past its expiration date.

 

 

May 30, 2013

Still haven’t slept.  I think it’s starting to get to me.

Maybe I’m losing my mind.  I swear I just saw someone behind me.  I turned and they were gone.

I can say it was nothing, a trick of the light, but I can’t quite believe it.

 I should get some sleep.

 

June 1, 2013

I snuck some of Mom’s sleeping pills.  She’ll probably think she took them herself, she doesn’t exactly following the recommended dosage.  That’s if she even notices they’re missing.  There’s a lot of things she doesn’t notice.

I’m about to go to bed, but I felt the urge to write in here.  I’m feeling sort of paranoid.  I thought I felt something today, something touch me when nothing was there. 

My mind’s just playing tricks on me because I’m tired.

Time to sleep now.

 

June 2, 2013

Mom found me sleeping in the yard and freaked out.  Sleep walking is a side effect of the pills.  She told me to stay home and rest.  It’s the first time in years I remember her letting me skip school. 

 

 

June 3, 2013

I had a dream last night about my dad.

We were having a picnic in the park, but it was night and there were no stars.  It was so dark we couldn’t see, so he lit a candle.  The light was so bright it stung my eyes, and made Dad drop the candle.  I caught it and tried to blow out the flame, but it wouldn’t go out, so I stuck it in my mouth and swallowed it.

Then I was burning from the inside, and screaming, but no one could hear me, so I kept screaming and screaming and screaming. 

I woke up and Mom was shaking me and I was crying.  She stayed with my until I fell back asleep.

I didn’t dream anymore after that.

 

June 4, 2013

Mom says I’ve been talking in my sleep and it’s scaring her.  She used to say Dad would talk in his sleep, before.

Before.

It’s weird how we divided our life into before and after.  Like those are the only 2 times that exist, before Dad and after.

Sometimes Mom looks at me like she looked at Dad.  Like she’s afraid I’m going to become another before.  And in this after, she’ll be all alone.

 

June 5, 2013

I miss before.

 

 

June 7, 2013

I woke up on the road this morning and can’t remember how I got there.  I made it back home before Mom woke up and saw.  I don’t want her to worry.  But I’m starting to get scared.  Maybe I’ll stay up for a few days.  It’s not like I haven’t went without sleep before.

 

 

June 12, 2013

I drifted off out shopping at the bookstore today.  I had the dream about Dad again, but this time he took the candle from me and melted into a puddle of goo.  My screaming made all the cashiers rush over.  I knocked over my coffee while they were trying to wake me.  The manager called Mom and made her come get me.

We didn’t speak the whole way home.

 

June 16, 2013

I’m terrified of what’s to come.

 

June 16, 2013

I don’t know why I wrote that.

 

 

June 17, 2013

Mom’s barely talked to me since the bookstore incident.  She hides in her room all day and we eat diner in front of the TV.  Sometimes she looks at me like I’m not even there.  I think I remind her of Dad, in the weeks right before it happened.

Maybe that’s why she looks at me like I’m already gone.

 

 

June 30, 2013

I’m hiding in the bathroom of a church. 

Churches used to be places that felt like home.  Church felt like family.  Dad would always make us go to all the services and join in the functions.  His faith was so strong.  I stopped believing when he was taken from us.  None of it’s true, that God loves us and forgives.  He doesn’t care, so neither do I. 

But I thought coming here would make me feel closer to Dad.  It doesn’t.

I feel out of place.  Isolated, somehow.  Lonely, disconnected.  Alone.

 

 

August 4, 2013

I think I may be going crazy.  I keep having these weird feelings that I can’t explain.  Like someone is watching me.  Seeing things that aren’t there.  Hearing things that aren’t there.  I swore I saw someone in the room the other day, but no one was there.  I heard my name being called, but Mom said it wasn’t her and we were at home alone. 

 

August 10, 2013

The lights flickered on and off for ten minutes today.  Mom says it’s just the breaker being overloaded.  We’ve been running the AC and all the fans because of the heat.  She sounded afraid though.  I knew what she was thinking, even if she wouldn’t say it.  She never does.

It’s like none of it was real and Dad never existed at all.

 

 

August 19, 2013

School’s started back.  I hate it.  None of the people here understand me.  None of them know what’s really out there.  They wouldn’t believe me if I told them.

 

 

September 10, 2013

I lost focus in class today and started doodling in my notebook.

I wrote ‘help me’ on the fronts and backs of 3 sheets of paper before I snapped out of it and realized what I was doing.

 

 

September 16, 2013

They’re all watching me.

 

 

September 17, 2013

I don’t remember making that last entry.  What’s happening to me?

 

September 30, 2013

I was sitting in class, and suddenly I thought everyone was looking at me.  It was crazy, but I was hyper paranoid and I couldn’t wait to get out.  It was like I couldn’t breathe.  I ran out in the middle of a test, gasping and trying not to cry.  I made it into the girls’ bathroom and cried. 

 

 

October 6, 2013

I came in the kitchen today to make a burrito.  I was leaning against the stove on my elbow and Mom came in and freaked out about the burner being hot because she just turned the stove off.  It didn’t hurt, but when Mom put her hand over it, she jerked back fast.

She grabbed my arm and told me ‘don’t say yes.’  She made me promise I wouldn’t.

It’s the closest we’ve came to talking about it in years and she didn’t even say the word.  She just said ‘one of them’

I don’t like to say it either.  They used to mean something more, when they were things from stories.  Stories are always better than real life.  Stories have to make sense.  Stories have to end.

Real life doesn’t have a happy ending.  It doesn’t end until we die. 

 

 

October 13, 2013

I keep having dreams and I can’t always separate them from reality.

 

 

October 17, 2013

Mom says I should go out more.  Try to make some friends.  I don’t remember how.

I feel like I’m drifting away from her.   From everyone.

 

 

October 18, 2013

Sometimes I have to wonder why am I so afraid to let someone in?  I had friends before Dad left.  But now it’s just too hard.  It feels physically painful to have all my parts exposed like that.  It’s like I’ve built all these walls around myself and I can’t tear them down.  What am I protecting myself against?  Everything bad that can happen already has. 

 

 

October 22, 2013

My head hurts.  There’s too much noise.  Sometimes I hear this ringing in my ears and it gets so loud I think my head’s going to split. 

 

October 25, 2013

It’s like static in the background.  Like a radio station or a channel on television that doesn’t pick up.  Except sometimes there’s words or jumbled noises that don’t make sense. 

My head hurts all the time.  I want it to be quiet.  I just want it to be quiet. 

 

 

October 30, 2013

I started crying last night and I don’t know why.  I started and I couldn’t stop.  And it was still there, the static and the ringing, even when I turned the music up so loud I couldn’t hear myself speak.  Nothing drowns it out.

 

October 31, 2013

I made out one of the words today.  My name.  That’s all it was saying over and over. 

ClaireClaireClaireClaireClaireClaireClaireClaireClaireClaireClaireClaireClaireClaireClaireClaire

It’s worse than the static.

 

November 2, 2013

I’m starting to hate the sound of my own name.

 

 

November 6, 2013

If I sleep I can’t hear the noise.  There’s a boy in class who sells pills.  He works as a cashier at the grocery store and steals them from the pharmacy.  I asked him if he could get me some sleeping pills.  He says he’ll have them by Friday.

 

 

November 19, 2013

I’m tired.  I’m so tired.

I sleep more than I’m awake lately.  It’s been restless the last few nights.  I have nightmares.  I toss and turn.

I’m hearing them even in my sleep.

 

 

November 22, 2013

I want to just freeze, for everything to just stop.  I don’t think I’m well.  I feel on the verge of a breakdown.

 

 

November 27, 2013

I think I’ve officially lost it.  Right now.  I think I’m having a breakdown. 

I was afraid to leave the bathroom because I thought when I opened the door there would be something there to hurt me.  I saw things that weren’t there, things that were waiting for me to fall asleep to get me. 

It’s five in the morning and I’m afraid to go to sleep.  I don’t know why I’m so scared.

Maybe I need help.

 

December 2, 2013

I feel like I’m falling.  Like I’m caught in something that won’t let me go.  I can’t shake this feeling.  The noise never stops.  It’s always there, saying my name over and over and over.  It repeats itself in my sleep.

It’s scary, but sometimes I want to die.  Not really _die_ , but I just want—I don’t know.  To fall asleep and never wake up.

I can’t let anyone see me like this.  They wouldn’t understand.  Mom would just worry.  I wish I could tell her what’s going on, but that wouldn’t be fair.  It’s only selfish people who dump their issues on other people and I don’t need them to be her problem.  She’s suffered enough.

 

December 9, 2013

I’ve kept myself locked inside my house, isolated from everyone.  The school called today to tell Mom I’ve been missing too many days.  I erased the message before she could hear it.  I’ll go back before she gets in trouble.

Maybe the world will look better tomorrow.

 

December 10, 2013

I feel so out of place.  Like I’m tearing at the seams.  I hate this.

 

December 14, 2013

I feel like I’m on the brink of something, like I’m standing on the edge and ready to fall.  Have I said that before?  Doesn’t matter now.

The voice is getting louder.

 

 

December 18, 2013

Last night-or was it the night before last?  All the days blur together now.  I got sick.  My head hurt worse than usual, my vision went blurry and I was too dizzy to move.  I felt like I was going to be sick.  I tried to make it to the bathroom, but I fainted in the hallway.  I woke up with a bloody nose. 

Luckily Mom was asleep, so she didn’t see anything.  I should have drove to the hospital, but instead I just crashed.

 

December 19, 2013

Mom says I’ve been sleeping for eighteen hours.  She was crying when she woke me up.  I’ve never seen her look so scared, except once. 

She says I was saying ‘no’ in my sleep.

I’m glad I don’t remember.

 

December 22, 2013

I don’t feel anything.  It’s like I’m empty.  Dead inside.

Like all of me is being scraped out and there’s nothing left but the voice in my head.  It’s stopped saying my name.

Now it’s telling me ‘say yes.’

 

December 24, 2013

I’m still here.  I felt the urge to write that and don’t know why.

 

December 24, 2013

Maybe I’m afraid I’ll say yes.  Dad did.  But he didn’t know what it meant. 

I do.

 

December 27, 2013

i’m losing my mind.  I’m shaking so bad I can barely write.

It’s them  It has to be them.  They’re trying to drive me crazy

I’m freaking out about my pillow.  About a _pillow._ It has this design with these dots and there are 12 green dots but 4 are light and rest are dark and 8 white dots and 12 blue dots but 6 are dark and 6 are light and it’s wrong.  that isn’t a pattern or order and why can’t there be the same number of each color dots

god I sound insane

 

December 28, 2013

I just want it all to stop.

 

December 29, 2013

I would pray, if I believed in anything.  But I don’t, so I guess that leaves me alone in this.

 

 

December 30, 2013

The voice told me its name. 

Hael.

It says it there aren’t enough vessels out there for all of them.  Something happened and they fell and lost their wings.  It said it would keep me safe from the others.

I don’t believe her.  They’re all liars.

 

December 31, 2013

Its 11 minutes from being a new year and by the time I finish writing this it probably will be.  It doesn’t matter, the days all blur together now and I can’t keep track. 

I don’t feel anymore.  I try, but when I do there’s nothing but this all-consuming darkness, this pain.  There is no color, no light, no hope.  There is only darkness that cracks and frays around the edges, around _my_ edges, tearing me down piece by piece.  What happens when there’s nothing left?

I want to feel.  I want to be alive.

But not this.  Not like this.  There’s no one to pull me from the dark, so the dark just keeps chipping away.  The dark swallows me whole.

I can’t breathe here.  It hurts.

And it never stops.  I’m numb or I’m hurting.  I’m not sure which is worse.

But I won’t say yes.  I won’t

 

December 31, 2014

No.

No. No. No.

No no no no no no NO NONONO

no no nononono nononononononono

NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO

NonononononONONONONONONONO

 

January 1, 2014

There’s only one way to end it.

If you find this I’m sorry Mom, I’m so sorry, but I can’t take it anymore. 

Everything will be fine.  It’ll be okay.  Everything will be okay.  In the end it always is.  In the end its okay, or it’s over. 

Either way it stops.


End file.
